Fork in the Road

The past few months have been pretty powerful. Some readers may recall that, not too long ago, I read The Way of a Pilgrim. That book had a profound impact on my prayer life, I think. In the universal sense my steps towards unceasing prayer were barely perceptible. But in the heart of a miserable sinner, even the thinnest rays of Light provide cause for Joy.

Great Lent has also had a considerable impact on me. I've been reading the Bible regularly (shooting for a half hour a day, though I confess I miss every now and again) and I've incorporated lengthy prayers before rising in the morning and sleeping at night.

This is not to pat myself on the back. Rather, it's to provide context. Because I've been keeping an eye out for the Enemy's tricks lately (partly a consequence of reading The Screwtape Letters last month; great book, by the way). And I've noticed the profound connection between prayer, fasting, and sin. The days when I stumble are those when I neglect my prayers, for whatever reason. It's rather amazing how beginning and ending one's day with prayer and worship (maintained throughout the day in various ways) can radically affect the way one lives that day.

Christ couldn't have made it simpler when, in chiding His disciples for not being to exercise a demon, He remarked on the necessity of prayer and fasting.

This is also all by way of background. Because, you see, I've enjoyed this insight into the depravity of my own soul. And I've enjoyed the fleeting moments when I've been aware of the Kingdom. I've been seriously considering ditching this law school thing and joining the seminary.

I should note that I've already decided to become a priest at some point. For a few months now my goal has been to finish law school, succeed in my secular calling, and then "retire" to the priesthood. After all, what better way to spend one's golden years than celebrating the Eucharist and baptizing new Christians? The added charm of this plan is that I'd (hopefully) have a Presbytera by my side to share in my humble ministry.

Lately I've thought I might want to accelerate things. But I'm not really sure. I waver back and forth every day as I think about my future. On the one hand, I think I'd really like to get married and have kids, and that I really do think I have a calling to certain secular pursuits (politics, specifically, for those keeping score). On the other hand, prayer seems to beget more prayer and a life of celebrating the Sacraments and leading people to Christ seems much more important than a life spent making money and running for office. On the other hand, I've felt since I was a kid that politics was the challenge I felt most drawn towards and suited for...

And so the debate's been raging in my head, back and forth.

I've been revealing this to family members and friends slowly now, and to my great shock no one has tried to bring me to my senses. My mother, who has anxiously been looking forward to my marriage and siring of her granchildren since the hour of my birth, said she wasn't opposed to the idea of me becoming an unmarried priest. That's a strong factor for me to consider, I think.

I can't really ask for advice or anything, since this seems such a personal and complex decision. I need to figure this one out on my own. But, if you've got a few extra moments every now and again, some prayers couldn't hurt either.

If my place is in the clergy, then I pray I realize that soon. If my place is in this world, then I pray I find what this world has to offer me (and what I have to offer it) soon.

Either way, I pray for forgiveness of sins and the grace to sin no more. And the wisdom to discern Your Will, Father, and the courage to accept it. Whatever it might be.